Here we will continue the discussion that we began in “Effectively Praising Your Child: Part I.”

Avoid Praise Devaluation

Make sure that your praise, while coming often, does not lose its value.  Praise loses its value when you praise actions that don’t merit praise.
Example: “Wow Tim, you kicked that rock in the street really well.”

Praise Small Progress

This principle seems to be in contradiction to the above mentioned one, but there is an important difference.  Kicking rocks has no value.  Finishing a chore ten minutes earlier than the previous day, while still taking 30 minutes too long, is valuable because it is one step closer to reaching the goal of getting the task done on time.  Praising small steps leads to more small steps being taken.  Slow steady progress is frustrating but is the way improvement occurs.

Drudge Up The Past

Holding on to past insults and injuries can be incredibly harmful to any relationship.  However, holding onto and reminding your child of past successes is a very positive tool.  Showing your children that you remember what they did confirms how valuable their successes are to you. A good time to bring up past successes is when your child is doing the wrong thing in a similar situation.
Example: “Rachel, I see that you’re not cleaning up your room like I asked you to.  Do you remember last Wednesday when I asked you to clean up your room and you did it right away and did a really great job at it, too?  That was wonderful.”

Label Your Child

The common wisdom of never labeling a child must be qualified: One should never label a child negatively.  However, labeling your child positively can have drastically constructive effects.  Our sense of self is heavily influenced by what others think about us.  As parents we hold the most power in this respect for a good part of our child’s growth, (pre-pubescent/middle school years will see this power shift to their peer group).  If we give our children specific positive labels they will form a self-image that includes those perceptions about themselves.
Example:  “You did that chore without being reminded.  You are responsible.”
Administering effective praise will help you develop a more meaningful relationship with your child.  The more you focus on the positive, the more you will see your child in a positive light, and most importantly, the more they will see themselves in a positive light.

Please contact us for more information.

By Jeffrey Kranzler, LCSW specializing in teaching parenting skills and treating children and adolescents with ADHD, Anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Depression.

As parents we all know the importance of praising our children.  Nevertheless, praise can be useless, or at worst harmful, if administered poorly.  There are several key components needed to make praise work for your child:

Get Rid of Negative Clauses

Praise needs to be offered without a hint of criticism.  While it is important to inform your child when they have done something wrong, that time is not during your praise.  Slipping a rebuke on to the end of a praise makes it seem as if you are using the good that your child has done as a tool to criticize them.  This delegitimizes future praise as well.

Negative Clause:  “Johnny, that was great how you finished your homework so well. I really wish you’d always put that kind of effort into it.”
Notice in particular that the criticism isn’t explicit; It is merely an implication of poor homework habits.  Subtle or implied criticisms attached to praise also have a negative impact.

Drive-by Praising

This is a concept especially relevant to praising your adolescent.  Parents often make the mistake of praising their children and waiting to hear how appreciative their children are.  They are disappointed when they don’t receive that feedback, which leads to frustration and resentment.   By praising a child and walking away, you show that your statement was really about them and was not a request for appreciation and praise for yourself.  Walking away also gives your child the chance to process your statement for themselves, something that will allow them to internalize it more effectively than if they were forced to think of a reaction and a response for you.

Be Specific

When your child does something well, specify what they have done well.  Verbally acknowledging the details of what they have done shows your child that you really paid attention to what they did and are actually aware of what they did.
Specific Praise: “That boy was standing in the corner and you went over to him and included him in your game. That was really nice.”
“I love how you used lots of colors in this picture.  There’s a horse and it looks like it’s jumping over a car.  And there are bright yellow flowers, too.  This is so creative!”
In the next post we will continue our discussion of effective methods of praise.

Please contact us for more information

By Jeffrey Kranzler, LCSW specializing in teaching parenting skills and treating children and adolescents with ADHD, Anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Depression.